my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
