Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize