D3 body, D1 cock
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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