I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
