How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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