k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
