Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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