hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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