the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
