The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
