I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
