Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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