If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
