I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
