i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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