Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
