if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
