Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
