omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just want nice things and good sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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