everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
