I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
