I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
