I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
