I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
