I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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