Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
