you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
