Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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