I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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