I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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