mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
