Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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