time to smoke my breakfast
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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