I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
