During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
