seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If I die, sorry about rent.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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