Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize