where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
