How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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