I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Enjoy the penises
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize