There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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