Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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