Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
