Don't make out with my wife yet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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