I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
