i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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