The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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