I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
