I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am full of burrito and curiosity
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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