After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
