He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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