we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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