Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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