shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
