My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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