I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Two words: blizzard sex
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize