please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
