i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i now understand why vodka
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
