I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize