i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
