Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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